Shaila & Shanti

apres moi le deluge

after me comes the flood

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Writer's Block: Back to the future
Shaila & Shanti
If you were 12 and could see yourself now, do you think you'd be happy or disappointed, and why?

I think I'd be horrified.

I would not have been able to handle my current life at the age of twelve, and I would not know how to handle it. I'd be disappointed that I'm not at NYU, that I still struggle with the same laziness that I did then. I'd be amazed to see that Krista has turned into my most incredible friend, and I'd be amazed to see Kaitlin as well. There's too much between me and that little girl to be able to sum up what she would feel if she could see me now in words like 'happy' or 'disappointed.' She would be confused, shocked, elated, disgusted, and terrified of her own future all at once.

I'm OK with that. I'm now GLAD I'm not at NYU - I love Athens in a way I didn't think I'd be capable of loving ANYWHERE in Ohio. At the age of twelve, I hated Englewood. I hated Ohio. I love it now. I still want to move out, but moving out won't be so much an escape as exploration. I am capable, now, of dealing with the cards that life has handed me... and even in the moments when I'm not, I've got coping mechanisms and a support network consisting of my family, old friends, new friends, and, well, you know, support group. Heh.

I could talk about how much I've grown since I was twelve... but it's pretty obvious. Everyone grows in that time between twelve and nineteen, and more so, I'm sure, as they get older. It's nothing to comment on but it is a little odd to look back and remember how sure I was. Twelve year old me would not know what to make of how confused I am today, of how much I struggle with who I am and where I'm going and where I've been. She saw everything in black and white. Now I'm not sure I'm capable of NOT picking out all the different shades and colors everything has. I know I have so much to learn and so much I don't understand, and back then that would have made me laugh.

I don't know, though. I don't remember my exact mindset being twelve. Not really. So. Meh.


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